Fashion Tips For Men (a re-print of a facebook column I wrote a few weeks back)
1. Women like to say they dress for other women. Fellas- DO NOT ever dress for other men. Always be the best dressed guy in the room. If all the other men are wearing golf shirts, you need to be wearing a fitted shirt. Unless you’re playing golf. In which case I suggest you wear the brashest, loudest plaid golf shirt you can find.
2. Your pants are too big. All of you reading this. Go buy pants that fit. Why on earth does your bum look like a saggy diaper? Remember these rules- My pants should fit my legs and butt tight enough that my cute little tush is on show but my forward assets are nowhere to be seen. Got it?!
3. Your pants are too old. All of them. Why are you wearing the jeans you bought for that casual wedding in 1993? Un-Ironically. Throw out all of your pants and go buy new ones. Do not buy the jeans with those fancy massive pockets and threading seams. Just go and buy a slim fit jean with a basic pocket. You are allowed to buy boot cut- if you work on a farm and wear cowboy boots to work, other wise, a straight leg please. You are allowed to roll up straight leg jeans if they are a bit too long. You are not allowed to roll up wide bottomed legs.
4. If your best dress shirt is purple, you need to go shopping. Unless you have a flare for styling and work in the fashion industry, do not buy shiny shirts. Also, your shirt is too big. Yes, you should feel a slight pull when you lift your arms. That’s because it actually fits. The same goes with your sweaters, jackets and sweater vests. If there is three inches give on either side of your torso, it’s too big! Oh, you think you will look slimmer/beefier in a baggy sweater. No. You just look like you’re wearing Dads clothes.
5. Lined carharts are perfect for your job on the construction site. If you wear them out to dinner, assume your waiter will treat you like the manual laborer you appear to be.
6. It’s comfortable. So is cashmere. Fleece is for outdoor activities only. Same with anything that has a sports logo or oil company logo on it.
7. When in doubt go with hipster cowboy plaid. You all look good in that.
8. If people are starting to comment on your facial hair, it’s because it looks like overgrown pubic hair. Seriously. Gross.
9. You like your chest hair. You will like it even more if you take the trimmer to it and it doesn’t puff out of your dress shirt in little mounds like an erupting chinchilla.
10. Running shoes and hiking boots are for running and hiking. Remember the logo thing? The activity appropriate thing? Buy some comfortable suede boots for nights out and Casual Friday.
11. Dark hair? Wear a white t-shirt under your white button up. Please.
12. Your eyebrows are a mess. It’s not eccentric, it’s ew inspiring. Same with those tufts growing out of your ears and nose. The barber can take care of them if you are afraid.
13. Try wearing a button up, a thin knit sweater and a casual sports jacket with your straight jeans and new suede boots on casual Friday. (Because we are bored with all the ones who get dressed with a shirt from the clean pile, a pair of pants from the somewhat clean pile and those comfortable mid-ankle hikers), you will probably get a bunch of women talking to you at happy hour. Even if you are married, that is just fun.
14. Hire a stylist. She will teach you how to spend five minutes on your hair and have it look really good. She will also prevent you from buying another purple shirt. We (women) want you to bring it. Even when you are just doing the laundry.